Countless thoughts fall to the ground, paving the way to the land of lost intentions. Poems to write, silent contemplations to share, inspirational thoughts not motivated enough to leave my head. I’m not sure which is more consuming, the self-disappointment or knowing that one day my last day will sneak up behind me and silence me for good.
I’ve reached the point in life where age is a force to be reckoned with. With each year that gives, its counterbalance often takes — resilience, fitness, even loved ones and friends. I try to reassure myself that my health is generally good; my diet and habits pretty healthy. But I know that odds can be an odd thing, and for some, statistics a harsh, unforgiving number. And so, it’s hard not to wonder how long it will be before time sucks the remaining comfort from my bones.
These bones are now older than most of those who came before me. My grandfather died just months before I was born; my grandmother’s sudden departure ripped at our hearts as well, six years later. And then, the family fabric was torn to a gaping hole when my mother lost the fight of her life at the age of 58. From where I now sit, it seems she may have just been getting started. It’s no wonder the two leading causes of death leave me anxious at the mention of their names.
As the first in line of those that follow, the law of procession suggests I’m next to fall. But that’s only the catalyst for these frenzied concerns. The silenced faces in my family tree tell me it’s time to get serious. It’s time to gather up these scattered thoughts and share what I’ve kept hidden and safe all these years. Now is not the time to wither in fear of being misunderstood, rejected, or even unloved. My siblings, my nieces and nephews, even my friends can’t truly understand, accept, and love that which they’ve never been allowed to really know.
And so, with that, I leave one more breadcrumb, lightly seasoned with my heart. May it not only serve to give others a better understanding of who I am, what I’ve become, but also help to lead me out of this forsaken land of lost intentions.
© 2020 HSE
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